"YOU CAN'T LET YOUR FEARS TURN YOU INTO AN ASSHOLE."
(That quote up there is from In the Land of Women, 2007, the movie that happened to be on the other night and the line I happened to hear while I happened to like the movie, as long as it was on.)
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if my Asshole self met my Awesome self and hung out. Because it's like, although they both live in the same transmitter which is me, they clearly have never met. And my Nice Awesome Self must feel so sorry for my Asshole Self. She must watch when my Asshole Self tells me stuff like, " Don't bother, you'll never be able to do it." or "HA! React react react~ DUH!" or "You're too afraid to ever get/do/make what you really want so just keep doing it the safe way, at least you know how to do that dummy." and think, "why doesn't this girl ever turn on my channel instead?"
So my practice lately has been to turn on her channel. I am barely even listening to the other one, except sometimes, when the road isn't so clear and she automatically gets piped in, like bad muzak before a cavity-filling. I am practicing shutting her down, I am practicing not turning her on. I am practicing letting the other one talk, the one that's a lot nicer to me. The one that actually treats me like a friend and isn;t so judge-y. The one I want to hang out with.
AND SHE'S SO COOL! She's like, "Hey, what if you just do the thing you really know is good for you?" and "Go ahead and book that ticket, even though the road doesn't seem so apparent just yet, it's probably going to be just what you need!" and "Better for you to just forgive rather than let this person's pain become yours. You don't need to take that on. Or maybe it's about your own pain? Whatever, we can figure this out," and most of all, "You got this."
It's like she's known me all my life, that other one just won't let her get to me.
Let your Awesome self get to you. \\
P.S. My Awesome Self is taking me back here in a few weeks...